I wrote some stuff down during church at the Table today and I want to post it. I thought about fleshing out my scribbles, but I won't. I'll let you come to your own conclusions from something God talked with me about this morning. Enjoy!
Space of lament:
What do I deserve?
What do You give?
forgiveness, mercy
blessings, grace
hardships, trials
What do I deserve? -- nothing. What have I earned? -- nothing.
What do You give? -- everything, good and bad. Then You make it good.
suffering, starvation, disasters, death -- can they be good?
Can even God make them good?
Yes, but I can't believe it.
I can't see it; I can't understand it.
I must trust.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Prayer
So once upon a Friday afternoon, I was spurred by a friend to think about prayer. I suppose it was mostly a casual comment, but I took it and ran with it anyway! Turns out I really like doing stuff like this! I pulled out past journals and other stuff and just had fun! I guess that makes me kind of lame if this is my opinion of fun on a Friday afternoon!
So here's most of what I wrote. I realized partially through writing it that I might as well post it on my blog. Whether people read it or not it's who I am and I might as well post it. Enjoy!
Last fall dramatically changed my prayer life. I'm not sure if I should call it a good change or not. For months I refused to pray aloud at all. I just wouldn't do it, unless it was really forced on me and then I'd be bitter at whoever asked me to. But anyway, basically two phrases come to mind: "Language has limitations, prayer doesn't," and "wordless groans."
"Language has limitations, prayer doesn't," is from September 29, 2007. I was sitting up on the hill at EMU crying my heart out because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to pray; I wanted to work through things logically in my head, but I was totally incapable of finding words to even give my thoughts meaning. I couldn't do it! I couldn't think and I thought I couldn't pray. But I could pray. I could pray by crying. I could "just come to God in prayer, lay myself at his feet, and trust in his goodness." I didn't need words then. When I journalled that night I did have words to at least write something down even if "journalling isn't always enough. Pen and paper isn't always adequate." (I feel like I could quote that entry all day! "I am not in control! Let me say that again: I am not in control!" "My job isn't to be God for the world; it's to show God to the world!" "I have to confess my shortcomings and my limitations. After that God's faithfulness takes over! His bounty and love and grace and mercy and forgiveness begin to pour out! In my weakness is God's strength. That's what I learned.")
Sorry, back to the topic at hand. That phrase traveled with me for a while. Then later in October I was going through Romans and got to 8:26 and specifically the phrase "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." At that point is when I stopped praying aloud. I just felt like praying was kind of pointless. What could I tell God or bring to God that He didn't already know? I felt like I was praying to prove my spirituality or win God points or something.
Through it all though, I learned to pray more. One of my favorite verses is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 "Rejoice always, pray continually." People tell me praying continually isn't possible, but I say it can be. I don't say that I do, but I say that I've seen enough to believe it is possible. Praying with words at specific times during the day makes prayer formal and routine, but it doesn't have to be that way. For a while I enjoyed having a seemingly endless conversation with God! It wasn't a conversation with words, but with smiles and random thoughts and pleas and groans and other people. It was amazing!
I don't know what all this means, perhaps I'd just say stop trying to pray and just be with God. If you have something to say, then say it. I don't encourage silence, it was just something I had to go through. But if you don't have anything to say then say nothing--think nothing. Be with God. He knows all of our thoughts and prayers anyway. Sure, He likes to hear from us, but perhaps even more He likes to be with us. And longer prayers aren't more effective as if it was some formula, but sometimes longer prayers are needed.
I'm just glad that there is such a thing as a blog to vent my thoughts for those that care enough to read! As always, thanks for reading!
So here's most of what I wrote. I realized partially through writing it that I might as well post it on my blog. Whether people read it or not it's who I am and I might as well post it. Enjoy!
Last fall dramatically changed my prayer life. I'm not sure if I should call it a good change or not. For months I refused to pray aloud at all. I just wouldn't do it, unless it was really forced on me and then I'd be bitter at whoever asked me to. But anyway, basically two phrases come to mind: "Language has limitations, prayer doesn't," and "wordless groans."
"Language has limitations, prayer doesn't," is from September 29, 2007. I was sitting up on the hill at EMU crying my heart out because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to pray; I wanted to work through things logically in my head, but I was totally incapable of finding words to even give my thoughts meaning. I couldn't do it! I couldn't think and I thought I couldn't pray. But I could pray. I could pray by crying. I could "just come to God in prayer, lay myself at his feet, and trust in his goodness." I didn't need words then. When I journalled that night I did have words to at least write something down even if "journalling isn't always enough. Pen and paper isn't always adequate." (I feel like I could quote that entry all day! "I am not in control! Let me say that again: I am not in control!" "My job isn't to be God for the world; it's to show God to the world!" "I have to confess my shortcomings and my limitations. After that God's faithfulness takes over! His bounty and love and grace and mercy and forgiveness begin to pour out! In my weakness is God's strength. That's what I learned.")
Sorry, back to the topic at hand. That phrase traveled with me for a while. Then later in October I was going through Romans and got to 8:26 and specifically the phrase "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." At that point is when I stopped praying aloud. I just felt like praying was kind of pointless. What could I tell God or bring to God that He didn't already know? I felt like I was praying to prove my spirituality or win God points or something.
Through it all though, I learned to pray more. One of my favorite verses is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 "Rejoice always, pray continually." People tell me praying continually isn't possible, but I say it can be. I don't say that I do, but I say that I've seen enough to believe it is possible. Praying with words at specific times during the day makes prayer formal and routine, but it doesn't have to be that way. For a while I enjoyed having a seemingly endless conversation with God! It wasn't a conversation with words, but with smiles and random thoughts and pleas and groans and other people. It was amazing!
I don't know what all this means, perhaps I'd just say stop trying to pray and just be with God. If you have something to say, then say it. I don't encourage silence, it was just something I had to go through. But if you don't have anything to say then say nothing--think nothing. Be with God. He knows all of our thoughts and prayers anyway. Sure, He likes to hear from us, but perhaps even more He likes to be with us. And longer prayers aren't more effective as if it was some formula, but sometimes longer prayers are needed.
I'm just glad that there is such a thing as a blog to vent my thoughts for those that care enough to read! As always, thanks for reading!